Friday, March 30, 2012

Candid confessions of a board exam student

To anyone looking for a pick-me-up post, this might not be it.

Let's get one fact straight. My board exams are on till the 16th of April.

Every conversation I've had for the last month has started with the question, "So, when are the exams finishing?" Then the conversation ends with "Oh, you poor thing!" Sadly, repeatedly discussing a fact doesn't change it :(

When I received my board datesheet about a month before they started, I was happy. So much time to prepare for every difficult subject. What more could one ask for?

But as the days came and went, the motivation slipped. The thrill of giving the last exam of my school life petered out. The tension, the wish that everything would go well faded. The first few exams, I was nervous. But by now, there is more of complacency. In fact, I'm ashamed to admit that in these holidays, I've probably spent more time in front of the TV and my computer than in front of my books. I studied next to nothing before my Maths exam and it only had 2 days of holidays. Normally, the adrenaline would kick in and I'd work furiously hard, but this time - nothing.

Now, I'm not a stranger to the the "I don't feel like studying" feeling. My friends almost expect a call from me before the exam, complaining to them that I don't feel like studying. Over the years, I've developed a number of tricks to get myself to snap out of it. Visits to the park, telephone conversations with friends and relatives, asking doubts from my teachers, sleeping(!), listening to songs I haven't heard for a long time,putting up motivational posters etc.etc. Only this time, they all seem to be failing. Not one method is bringing back that spark of determination which would carry me through the exams. Even in these days I'm procrastinating for studying on my Geography exam. This is probably my last attempt - a write up on my blog.

The following two pieces were written by me on a small notepad during my holidays. They are just emotional outbursts, condensed. This is one of the ways in which I try to psyche myself by getting into my deepest thoughts by writing.

What is wrong with me?

Sometime before my Economics exam:

A sense of personal failure
Giving up on the result. I don't care how much I score because I don't like you (the exams). You're wrong and that should lead to my failing. It's not that I lack persistence, but I feel frustrated by your system. Well, I refuse to cooperate and become a part of your system. I know - it's a silent revolt. But I don't feel like taking it lying down. I don't like feeling helpless. I don't need to do this to prove I'm tough. I have my memories. Worse, I'm not the only one suffering, there are others. I'll feel motivated to work for the greater good of society, not my greater good.

A short while ago, before my Geography exam:

It's as if I'm deliberately failing myself. What is wrong with me? Why am I letting others admire my competitor? Why have my emotions cooled? Why have I died inside? Drive, will, looking forward...some of my best qualities. Where have I let them go? Am I determined to fail on everyone? Am I determined to prove to everyone, including myself, that I'm a loser, not a winner? Why have I let this go? I have not given up on the goal. Some part of me still believes it is worthwhile. But I've given up on myself. Unrealistic expectations of 10 hours everyday! There could be no worse time for ambition to die. What happened to want, to thirst, to desire? Not revenge, but the fierce, overwhelming joy of success? Have I forgotten that treasure? Have my senses been dulled so much that they are passive to my self destruction? Why are my cares only superficial? why is there no dream to give me enough happiness for hope,  challenge for courage and faith to push beyond fear? I will not win by ignoring this challenge.

I thought (not realized) that, ironically, the only ones to be harmed by my "revolt" were me and the ones who cared about me. When high goals stop motivating, it's time to talk to yourself. And I know that lazing around now will cause me months of regret later. Especially if I give up without trying.

I hope I'm getting somewhere...

P.S. If any of my blog friends are interested, my birthday went by some time back too. I have been officially 18 for a while now :)

P.P.S. I miss debating, people. I miss being on stage.

Image 1 source: this blog
Image 2 source: this site